The Losing Game
by Insomnical Whimsiac
Summary: Sirius Black has spent his whole life fighting back. But this time he can't. Or won't. This time Sirius knows he is wrong. And he could lose everything because of it. MWPP Willow Incident & consequences
1. After

Like me, this story has been here before. Like me, it was a bit hazy and unfocused back then since it's author (yup, me) started writing it on a whim and then discovered she had no idea what to do next.

But times have changed and so please welcome back the newly reimagined and repurposed: "The Losing Game"

Hope you enjoy it...

Penny x

**Chapter 1 - After**

A fist flew at his face. He stood perfectly still.

The fist made contact. He flew sideways into a bed.

He stood up again.

Another fist flew at him. He stayed still.

Two fists made contact – one to his stomach, the other to his face.

He felt his jaw click. He fell to the floor.

He was pummelled all over, beaten, kicked, mauled. He lay still.

The fists stopped, dropped to the floor along with their owner. Long legs were pulled up against a skinny torso, slim arms wrapped around them. A head of spiky, messy black hair dropped onto the knees. A sob emanated from the body.

"How could you? How could you?"

"I'm sorry." A whisper, pathetic, inadequate, pointless.

"He's our friend! Our brother. You made a promise – to him and to me!"

"I know." The head rose.

"No you don't know! You couldn't possibly know, or you wouldn't have done it. You're not my best friend – not the friend who swore to stick by me _and him_, forever. Who the hell are you?"

"I'm…"

"You're nothing! Nothing! Do you even remember? Brothers, we swore, blood brothers! And you just threw it away, like it meant nothing to you, like _we_ meant nothing to you!"

"I-I can't-I didn't think…"

"The hell you didn't! You never think! Life's one big game to you isn't it? Isn't it?"

"No…" The messy-haired boy stood and walked to the door.

"Well guess what Sirius? You've lost your players. Game over."


	2. Before

So now that this story has a real point I've basically finished it. Just four chapters, short and...well, not especially sweet but maybe that good kind of bitter. We'll see...

Penny x

**Chapter 2 - Before**

Sirius hurried along the corridor, grinning to himself. He was already late for his first detention of the term. This meant that he had already invoked McGonnagal's wrath three times, having only been at school one day. It was probably a new record – he would have to check with James. Although it was a safe bet they'd be in separate detentions. McGonnagal wasn't stupid.

Unlike, apparently, Sirius himself. Stupid of him to have got James into trouble too. With the two of them in detention there was no point in Peter going to the Shack - Moony would eat Wormtail as soon as look at him.

Still berating himself Sirius turned a corner and instantly froze at the sound of a voice.

"That Black kid is seconds from joining up." Snivellus. Talking about him? Well he would have to be punished for that. Sirius smirked and started to draw his wand.

"Regulus? He's about twelve." Avery. Not talking about him. Sirius froze once more, wand half drawn.

"He's fifteen, and desperate for a Mark. No idea what comes with it but that's no responsibility of ours, is it?"

"Wouldn't want to try and tell such a determined young man what to do. None of our business." Avery laughed. Furious, Sirius sprinted along the corridor but the Slytherins were gone. He growled angrily and headed towards his detention, fuming.

Three hours later the anger showed no signs of abating. Had he spent those three hours with his friends, simmering while they made light of his bad mood he would inevitably have been in a significantly better mood by now. But he wasn't. He was angrier. Much angrier. And he knew who was to blame.

"Snivellus..." Sirius growled as he came up behind the Slytherin boy in a dungeon corridor. Severus spun around, drawing his wand, but Sirius was already upon him, disregarding his wand in favour of his fists. He pinned the smaller boy up against a wall and hissed in his face. "What are you trying to do to my brother, Death Eater?"

"That's some accusation to be making Black. You should be more careful."

"Unlike you, scum, I don't have anything to hide. So stay away from Regulus or I'll make sure your secret slips out in front of the whole castle."

"You do that. And then maybe I'll follow up by letting slip your secret. Or should I say letting slip the nature of the 'furry little problem'.

Sirius' face faltered for a moment.

"You don't know anything Snape."

"Oh no? I know enough to have Lupin run out of this school...and enough to make sure your brother lives up to his family obligations - whether he wants to or not."

Sirius was no longer angry. With Snape's final snide words he had slipped into a white hot rage, and with it came an intense burning clarity. He knew exactly how to make sure that Snape could not follow through on his threats. He knew what that filthy Death Eater deserved, and he was going to make sure he got it.


	3. What Is

So that newly rediscovered point to the story I've been talking about? Here it comes...

Penny x

**Chapter 3 - What Is**

_1980_

Sirius loved James Potter, he really did, but at this particular moment in time he was just about ready to shake his best friend. The oldest Black son had always valued James' unwavering loyalty - without it he was sure he would have lost his friend long ago. But if Prongs' refusal to see his friends flaws got him killed Sirius was going to commit the ultimate betrayal and tattle to Lily.

"I'm just not seeing your logic here Padfoot. Why choose Wormtail over Moony?"

"Peter's a Marauder to the death. Simple as that."

"Moony's a Marauder too you daft bugger."

"Prongs would you for Merlin's sake be reasonable! Even your rose-tinted lenses can't be so thick you don't see the truth here."

"Making cracks about my eyesight won't help your case Padfoot. This isn't a joking matter. Talk about me being blind; are you even slightly aware of what you're saying? He's our brother. You already lost one of those to Voldemort, are you trying to push another away?"

Sirius clenched his teeth together and focused all his energy on not beating James to a pulp. He understood why Prongs had let the jibe slip out in his anger. Nonetheless...

"Don't talk about Regulus." He hissed, and he was gratified to see a look of shame cross James' face. His anger fading, Sirius sighed and sank into the armchair across from James. "Look, Jim, I don't want to think about this either, but you know things haven't been the same. He's been getting more and more distant. Even before we graduated, ever since...you know. It's my fault, I know, but if Dumbledore's right I reckon we're going to have to face it now. I screwed up in the worst way possible, and you forgave me but Remus...I don't think what I did just hurt him. I think it changed him. And now...now Remus isn't our brother anymore. We lost a Marauder. Time to admit it."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Peter did not want to be here. More specifically, since it was his house, he did not want Remus to be here. With James and Sirius there was always some distracting noise or mess or accident. No silence there. But Remus had always had a way of just sitting quietly, waiting for you to come to him. Fortunately for Peter, Remus seemed off today, distracted somehow. So Peter took a leaf from his friend's book and waited for Remus to speak first.

"There's a rumour going around."

Peter had started to think the silence would never end and so jumped on the topic for conversation without his usual careful consideration of where it might lead.

"Oh yeah? Sirius do something mental again?" He looked up to see a bitter fury in the other man's eyes and was suddenly afraid. "What?"

"Word is we've got a traitor in the mix. The Order's been infiltrated." Remus' voice was so cold Peter almost whimpered. This was the scene from all his nightmare, finally happening, as he had known it must. The end was coming and he-

"Should've known I guess. That bastard." Peter froze in the midst of his panic as confusion took over.

"What? Bastard? Who are you-"

"Come on Wormtail. If one of our people has been turned surely we all know who? Our resident born-and-bred _toujours pur_." Remus growled.

"Sirius?" Wormtail gasped, torn between relief and complete bewilderment. Remus turned to look at the gaping, shocked look on his friends face with pity. Poor Wormtail, so trusting. So blind. Remus knew this bitter, twisted feeling in his gut well. Betrayal was an old acquaintance to the werewolf.

"Time you realised something I found out years ago Peter. We might have all got together and made some childish promise to be brothers, but unlike the rest of us Sirius already had a brother and even when he hated them he put his family first. Blood's thicker and all that. Sirius Black would give up any one of us in a second for his precious Death Eater family. I figured that out the morning I woke up a bloody mess in the hospital wing and listened to Dumbledore tell me that my so-called brother had tried to use his latest plaything, the teenage werewolf, to protect his real family." Remus looked straight at Peter, the pain and rage clear on his face. "Don't wait until you're in a hospital bed to realise it Pete. He's a Black at heart. Time to admit it. "

Peter sat staring as Remus, with that same look of cold fury, moved towards the door. He had been sure that he was the only one who had suffered from the Marauders' friendship, that he was the only one left scarred by years of being looked upon as less than his friends, lacking, irrelevant. But the revelation of what Remus had suffered did not make Peter feel any less alone. The knowledge of what the Marauders had made of their kindest member was the final thing that hardened Peter's heart.


	4. What Might Have Been

Last chapter. Not entirely sure about this one, let me know what you all think...

Penny x

**Chapter 4 - What Might Have Been**

_1995_

Sirius Black was engaged in a battle of wills.

He knew that he was almost definitely about to make a colossal mistake. However he had decided that this experiment had to be done. There were important answers to be discovered, and he was one of a very select group of people who would ever be in a position to discover them.

On the other hand, the effects of an entire bottle of Firewhiskey on an Azkaban-ravaged body probably wouldn't make it into _Major Magical Discoveries of the 20th Century_.

Then again, he really didn't have any other plans for the evening.

Sirius was so engaged in his staring contest with the dusty bottle he had uncovered in the kitchen that he didn't hear the _whoosh_ of the fireplace next door, or notice the footsteps coming towards the drawing room where he was sitting cross-legged on a threadbare Persian rug. In fact his first clue that there was an intruder in Grimmauld Place was when a voice from above said "Oh thank Merlin" and Remus Lupin scooped up the Firewhiskey and flopped onto the couch, causing a decade's worth of dust to puff out of it.

"And that's why I'm sitting on the floor." Sirius deadpanned as Remus sneezed and moved to join him on the rug, unscrewing the Firewhiskey as he went.

Well, that finished that debate. Firewhiskey plus ravaged body it was then. Sirius held out his hand as Remus took a long swig and passed him the bottle.

"You sure this is a good idea mate? Last time you got drunk didn't you kiss Lily and get beaten up by James?"

Remus froze as Sirius passed the bottle back. "Well...I suppose...last time _we _got drunk..."

The two men sat in awkward silence, neither of them wanting to get into the story of the twelve years of separation before a more significant amount of the bottle was gone. Remus finally broke the silence with a cough and a weak grin.

"Although technically, that's not what happened."

"Ah man, don't tell me my memory's going. And I've been living so healthy." Sirius summoned up a ghost of his old smirk. "So which part of the story am I missing?"

"Oh, you're not really missing any of it so much as...well...confusing facts." Remus rumpled his hair sheepishly. Sirius' only response was to quirk an eyebrow. "It's more that I...um...kissed James and got beaten up by Lily." Sirius snorted as the full memory reasserted itself. "I guess I can see why that would be...hazy."

"Hmm." Sirius responded, his smile bitter. "Wankers, Dementors. Always go for the best bits first. If it wasn't for Padfoot I don't even know if I would have recognised you."

Half the bottle was now gone and they were still passing it back and forth.

"I wouldn't have thought...I mean I sort of figured it wouldn't be that happy a memory." Remus took a deeper swig and started picking threads out of the rug.

"What?"

"Me."

Sirius took a long pause before answering.

"Because I thought you were the spy?"

"Yeah. Or because I thought you were. Because I just accepted the story, same as everyone else. Because I should have known better."

"No." There was energy and fire in Sirius' voice that Remus had almost thought he would never hear again. "It's not...I never thought that Remus. They got the memories of you first, because...because I got James and Lily killed, because I left Harry with no-one, because I set Peter up to betray us. But you...you were just my friend. No hatred or misery or vengeance to attach you to. Just...well, love, I guess." Sirius blamed the last dregs of the bottle for the release of those last few words. The two men sat in silence for what seemed like an unfeasibly long time before Remus spoke.

"So then, when you saw me at the Shack...what, it all just came rushing back?"

Sirius laughed bitterly. "Nothing so romantic novel-ish I'm afraid. As soon as I escaped bits and pieces started coming back, but not much. Especially spending so much time as Padfoot; not a lot of room for dogs to reminisce. It was mostly because there was one memory of you they never got...or never wanted I suppose. You remember sixth year...how I-"

"The night you told Snape where to find me."

"Yeah. Or not exactly. I remembered your face the first time I tried to speak to you after that night. No happy thoughts there." Sirius' acrid smirk disappeared as he compulsively rubbed the serial number tattooed on his arm.

"You ever think about that? What happened that night, and after?"

"I try really, really hard not to."

"Why?"

Sirius looked up, straight at Remus, his eyes burning. "That's why you suspected me, right? That's why you never questioned the story, why you believed I betrayed everyone. Because I'd already done it to you. I try not to think about it because for twelve years the only thing that kept me sane was the knowledge that I was innocent. But I'm not. I betrayed the Marauders long before Peter ever did."

Remus reached out a hand to stop Sirius rubbing the serial number tattoo.

"It's not the same Padfoot." The pain in Sirius' eyes seemed to increase at the sound of his old friend's voice speaking the name he had been more used to than his own.

"It could have been. I was luckier than Peter, no-one got killed, or imprisoned, or left alone. But not thanks to me. I was lucky. And Peter wasn't. But we're as bad as each other."

"No." It was Remus' turn to be forceful. "You're not, Sirius, not at all. You made a stupid, teenage mistake and regretted it. Peter joined a man we all swore to fight, in a cause that could decimate the magical world. You made a choice without considering the consequences - Peter deliberately considered the consequences of all his choices, and still chose the path that led to the murder of his best friend. It makes all the difference in the world."

"Not enough. It'll never be different enough, because if I hadn't done it everything might have been different, don't you realise that? My stupid teenage mistake could be the reason for all of this." Sirius dropped his head into his hands, gritting his teeth and wondering why he had allowed this conversation to begin after being so careful for so long.

Remus let out a quiet laugh and Sirius' head snapped up, fear and confusion written across his face.

"So could any of our stupid teenage mistakes, Sirius. Or none of them. Maybe Dumbledore made stupid teenage mistakes and that's how we ended up here. Doesn't really matter anymore, does it?"

"How can you-?"

"Easy. I know for a fact that for all our stupid teenage mistakes we wouldn't be here without one calculated adult decision. And it's not a decision that you or I made. You can keep clinging on to that thread of sanity because you are innocent, and I know it, Harry knows it, and I'll bet you James and Lily know it too."

There was a long pause before Sirius spoke again.

"Everything might have been so different."

"Maybe. Or not."


End file.
